Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
