I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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