mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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