So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
