His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
