No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
