oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
