if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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