You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize