did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
