Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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