there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
