So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
