I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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