$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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