i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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