Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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