How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
