Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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