I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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