well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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