You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
