So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize