I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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