if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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