I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
