i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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