Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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