The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
