my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
