You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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