It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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