To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
