you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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