No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
