Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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