what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
