I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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