So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
