Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
