Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
