I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
