47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
