ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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