i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
