i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
