he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
