Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
