I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
