She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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