I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize