Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
