Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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