he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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