How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
