I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
