Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
