sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
