Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
