My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
