I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize