If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
