Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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