Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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