I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
