we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
