my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
