ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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