This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
