What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
